Smog Test Equals Fail

            The long and short of it is the car didn’t pass smog. After running every errand I could think of and driving through neighborhoods I’d never been in to get rid of the gas, the car just didn’t perform. The cars condition was beyond additives. I got a bad feeling when it started to idle funny while it was on the rack.

            The smog test administrator gave me a detailed explanation for the cars failure and he suggested a couple of mechanics in the neighborhood to take it to. After the test I drove to one of the mechanics he suggested. The mechanic was a shifty eyed character. I didn’t trust him at all. He said it would cost three to four hundred dollars to fix, that it was an all day repair. I said no thank you and walked out.

            I drove to the other mechanic the smog man referred me to but he had moved his business to Van Nuys. I noticed there was another smog tester on the same property. I walked over to his place and I got a good feeling about him. He had grey hair and looked like an ex-hippy who made the conversion to smog test respectability. I wanted to ask him a few questions but he was engaged in a conversation with a young a couple.

            “Have a seat. There’s some bottled water in the refrigerator,” the man said.

            I grabbed the water and sat down in a fancy tropical patio area offset from the garage. There were magazines and comfortable patio chairs and foliage from the plants. It was shady and cool, very respectable.

            I grabbed a magazine and waited.

            The man finally came over and sat down.

            “So your car failed the smog check.”

            “Yes,” I handed him the printed report.

            He looked at the report and asked a whole bunch of questions to which I answered. There was an air of calm and confidence to the man. He handed me a couple brochures and explained to me that California had a number of programs to help people like me. He meandered into a story about oilmen playing golf with the state of California and how the oilmen had to make a deal with the state of California to offset their greed and that’s how the programs came into place. The story was hard to follow but I got the jest of it.

            As luck had it, I stumbled into the guru of smog testing. His name is Bill. He said I could fix the car for free or retire it for fifteen hundred dollars.

            He handed me an application and said, “Think about it and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Gas

      I took a drive to my brother’s house in the suburbs. It was another gas wasting mission. I thought I could pick up a sink for my cabin and waste gas at the same time. I went there and back and the needle barely budged. It seems the solution I added for the smog check has improved my gas economy tremendously. Normally, I’d be very happy about that, but I’m under the gun. I need to get rid of the gas by tomorrow.

            I’d like to apologize to the environmentalist in the crowd. I honestly and truly have deep concerns when it comes to the environment. I didn’t take care of business and now I find myself in this unusual predicament of hoping the needle goes down. It could happen to anyone with an old car, really.

            I have an itinerary for tonight. It includes some driving and more driving and maybe an open mic. I’ll keep you posted. That's blog humor, get it? Posted. 

Smog Check

            Every two years I have to get a smog check and every two years I start to worry. I have an older model Honda Accord LX. It’s a real gold digger deterrent, no looks, no glory, which is okay by me.

            I’m not sure why I worry. I think it has to do with dealing with the government. At worst it will cost me time, energy and money. But I still worry.

            I’ve waited to the last minute to take care of it this year. I bought a cleansing additive to insure my every chance of passing. The additive requires that you fill your tank up with gas before you add the solution. The solution is supposed to clean your engine of smut while you drive, which in theory gives you a better chance of passing the test. My deadline for the test is Wednesday. Today is Sunday. I’m driving more than usual to use up the gas so I can refill the tank and take the test. It’s very logical I can assure you.

            I offered to drive to a fundraiser last night and I offered to drive my lady friend to the gym this morning. I drove to a restaurant for lunch. I can’t get rid of the gas fast enough. I’m not sure I can use it all by Wednesday. The gas needle has barely budged. It’s an odd set of circumstances, I know, especially because I’m use to driving on empty.