Asses

         
            My mom is getting up there in years. She recently retired from driving. She had a mishap where she tried to apply the brakes to stop her car, but she couldn't move her leg to get to the pedal. It put a scare into her so bad she hung up her keys.
            Now she's relying on private companies for rides. There's a company called Access that caters to old folks and she's been using that service. But instead of calling it Access, she calls it asses. I tried to correct her, but she insists it's asses. 
            It's Access.
            Asses.
            The other day I stopped by her house. She had just gotton back from the grocery store and was putting away her food.
            How'd you get to the grocery store?
            Asses.
            Do they wait for you while you shop?
            No, I waited for over fifty minutes.
            But, do they wait for you while you're in the store?
            No, I waited for fifty minutes.
            Huh? Waited for who?
            Asses!!!!
            
            
            

The Mockingbirds Revisited

         
            The mockingbirds are back. They've come back earlier than last year. That means something I'm sure. It's seems to me the planet is prematurely ejaculating right before our eyes.
            Flowers are blooming earlier than usual. Ice in the polar caps is melting, two-by-fours are really one and a half by three and a half, things have gone terribly wrong.
            The other night I met a woman who forgot my name four times. The first time she forgot it I introduced myself as Anthony. The three other times I told her my name was Tony. I thought I'd simplify my name to help her out, but it didn't take. 
            I was bothered when she forgot my name the first time. The second time she forgot my name I figured she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. The third time she forgot it I shot her a dirty look and almost said something mean to her. She must be drunk I figured. The fourth time she forgot my name I just felt sorry for her and thought of Muhammad Ali, "what's my name fool?"